Wed. Feb 19th, 2020

1 Year Of Gaining Everything I Wanted By Losing Everything I Wanted

It’s been just over a year since I was introduced to the BDSM lifestyle. When I reflect back on the 12 months and more so focus on the last six months of my life, I came to realise why it is referred to as a journey.

I recently read an article on Psychology Today where the author of this particular article used a child’s game call Trust Me to describe BDSM. The game consists of two children, one standing in front of the other. The one in front falls backwards, trusting the other to catch them before crashing to the floor. Trust Me contains an element of danger, the risk of not getting caught and getting hurt. The person falling places great trust in the person catching. When the falling player trusts the catcher enough to let go completely, and the catch happens as planned, both players experience a moment of exhilaration that’s difficult to duplicate any other way. 

When my Dom (and to my dismay, my husband as well), tried explaining to me the intimacy of what a D/s relationship is, my mind could not fathom what they meant. Yes, his amazing partner has told me about the “fake love” one could feel after a play, or even after numerous plays. But I have quickly come to learn that, love is finite. Of course, there are different kinds of love. The love I have for Gustav vs the love I have for my Dom, are two entirely different things. The love I have for his amazing partner is even categorised in a different file cabinet in my heart.

There is quite a massive difference between the love I feel for my Dom and the love I feel for a romantic partner.  Don’t get me wrong, this is not some kind of love letter to my Dom. Some people define intimacy as clear, frank, self-revealing emotional communication. But many people equate “intimacy” and “sex.” To be intimate is to be sexual and visa versa. Only it isn’t. It’s quite possible to be sexual with a person you hardly know and to have an intimate relationship without the sexual factor whatsoever.

BDSM is the same as the child’s game; Its about trust. The myth is that it’s abusive and weird—whips and chains…actually, it’s about trust. When trust trumps the possibility of harm, the result can feel incredibly intimate and sometimes erotic and most definitely empowering.

One of the questions almost every “vanilla” person has asked me when they find out I am a sub, is what makes the pain so enjoyable? Or how can I be sexually aroused by pain? 
Sadly, society has put this image in our heads that the submissives are being mistreated, abused and dehumanised against their will by big bad guys who feel empowered by degrading others. When in fact that is very far from the truth. 

From my personal experience, it is by far the most nurturing, caring and intimate relationship anyone could have with someone. BDSM is not abusive, it’s always consensual. When performed by ethical, nurturing Dominants, the submissive finds a safe place where she (or he) can explore all their insecurities, faults and fears without any judgement. My Dom is my safe place. My Person. I find a friend in him, even an ally. I respect him and trust him because he has never failed me. 

When people hear BDSM they immediately associate it with whips and chains and erotic pornographic sex scenes that the porn industry portrays it as. But being in a BDSM or D/s relationship you do not need all the theatrics that go with it. When you are in loving hands, you don’t need the restraints, gags, or whips to call yourself a Dom or sub, the implements only heighten the sensual excitement, allowing both partners to enjoy their interaction or “play” as clean fun.

Yes, participating in BDSM sometimes, (actually most times I have seen) plays can include inflicting real pain. But it’s always carefully controlled with respecting both Dom and sub’s limits, and never abusive or harmful (yes, there is a difference between hurting someone and harming them.)

Just over twelve months ago, I started a journey that would change my life without even knowing it. I hit what I call my rock bottom. I was the mother of a baby just over two-years-old. I was married and had a three-bedroom house, living the life by cooking dinner and making sure my husband had a clean home and a hot plate of home-cooked meal ready as soon as he got undressed after work. We spend the evening watching some series and playing with our daughter until the pyjama drill started. After that, I would go to bed alone. Some nights, I would cry myself to sleep. Some nights I just wouldn’t sleep. I avoided having sexual contact with him because I knew, deep down we hated each other. Why? you ask. I was working in a brothel with other girls as a massage therapist. Having photos taken of me once to twice a month. Selling my body to earn money to fund our household as well.

One day, upon chance, I met a man (how shocking). But see, this man was different, in a way that I never expected any man to be. Respectful towards me, doing little things I never realised until recently, that changed my life. 

After meeting this man and his wife,  my life changed the same way you would flip a coin. I didn’t know me up from down and I certainly couldn’t predict what is about to happen next. Will I fall on my face or my ass?

My Dom and I got to know each other better with time. I like to believe he saw something in me I couldn’t. At first, I got to design a new logo for his business. Then soon after that, I got to work on the first version of an online store.  I believe it is safe to say it was hell for both of us during those first few months of finding mutual grounds to work on. 

As I started finding a bit of self-worth after leaving the industry and trying to make something else of life, my husband started losing his control over me. This caused a lot of fights and sometimes it got physical. But Anthony and Christine always had my back, and boy were they not shy to tell me how wrong I was when I was. 

After some time, I got the privilege to become Anthony’s sub (under consideration). By now, my marriage was being held together by my daughter. I had nothing left in me to give to my husband. This, empowered me in so many ways, one of which I suddenly had the guts to address my health without fear. I booked myself into the hospital. 

It’s now been 6 months and 19 days since that day.  In 5 days, I will have the honour of becoming my Dom’s permanent sub. Something I have wanted for what seems like a lifetime.

Yes, within the last six months, I have lost the place I called home. I am in so much debt I don’t even know how to start repaying. I only have my daughter with me every second night and every second weekend.

But, I have gained so much compared to what I have lost.
I learned I have a mental illness and get to treat it appropriately without fear of judgement and rejection. I have my own small business that is generating JUST enough income to survive on at the moment. I can now listen to constructive criticism without being offended and actually try out other suggestions to problems I have without saying “I know what I am doing – back off”.
I get to speak about my thoughts and traumas without being told “but if you hadn’t done this…”.

I learned how to trust again. I learned to not be afraid to stand up for myself or afraid to say no to something I do not want. 
I learned, that I can be a role model for my daughter and that I can be a good mother without having money to buy her what her heart desires. She knows that now, I will not turn her away or be angry if she is upset – instead, I now understand that if shes asks to cry- she can come to lay down in my arm and cry without me telling her to stop.

I learned to not pass judgement on anyone I would not want passed upon me. 
I started to believe that there is no limit as to anything I could possibly do with my life.
I learned that no, I won’t get over any of my traumas whether from childhood or what happened to me in my mid-twenties- but I do get to move on with it. It doesn’t have to hold me back and definitely does not define who I am. I now get to see a fault within myself and work on bettering it; whether it be self-loathing or being a judgemental bitch judging a book by its cover. 
I get to make changes to things I don’t like and invest positive energy into the thing I want to better. 

By losing everything I settled for…I gained control of my life by submitting to someone else. I have His wife to thank for that, she approved of the relationship I have with Him, my Dom. And through that approval, I am slowly finding myself. bettering myself, creating so many opportunities for myself, and with her approval and the guidance of my Dom, I won’t let anyone ever dull my sparkle.

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