Sat. Jul 4th, 2020

35 Weird Things Couples Do

As with every new relationship, most of us are certainly uncomfortable with certain things we do in front of other people. I knew I had reached a new level of comfort with a friend the day he first burped in front of me with no warning (although he had seen my completely naked on a couple of occasions) I immediately recognised our relationship had stepped up to a new comfort level. (Warning dear friend – my farts are coming for you)

Couples are weird. And Ask Reddit can prove it.

  1. We invented rock, paper, scissors with kissing!
    closed = Rock
    open = Paper
    sticking out = Scissors
    devolved into doing it randomly so that we could catch each other by surprise and win!
  2. We touch our butts together every night before bed and do a little wiggle. It’s part of our routine now and must be done for optimal sleeping.
  3. We have a ‘Kiss Monster’ (spoiler alert: it’s me with a blanket over my head), that visits my significant other every now and again and gives him loads of kisses before slinking off again into the night. We have never acknowledged that I am in fact, the Kiss Monster.
  4. My husband and I “match” our snacks to whatever we are watching. Napoleon dynamite? Better have the tots. Finding Nemo? Probably getting sushi…
  5. Cuddle or hold hands while fighting. It reminds us that we’re not fighting against each other, we need to understand each other and work through the issue.
  6. We do ‘inverted kissing’. Instead of kissing the lips, one of us surprises the other by opening their mouth big and covering the other party’s puckered up lips. It’s like kissing the void. It feels uncomfortable and it’s hilarious. She always does it to me when I’m expecting a kiss.
  7. Red light bonus round. We kiss when we stop at a red light.
  8. Whenever he sneezes, I shout as aggressively as I can SHUT UP. To which he responds even louder, YOU SHUT UP. This is everywhere. At home, in public, it doesn’t matter. It’s gotten to the point where I consciously have to stop myself from shouting at anyone else who sneezes.
  9. Shine a flashlight through my boyfriend’s stretched ball skin. Needless to say light shines through ball skin!
  10. We sneak up on each other and bite each other on the neck to assert “dominance”. We use the “dominance” to win trivial arguments like who do our animals love more.
  11. I run out of the bathroom after brushing my teeth in the morning yelling “fresh mouth” and he gets so excited and puckers up for a kiss. Every time.
  12. We harvest each other’s goosebumps. When one of us gets goosebumps on our skin, the other will run their hands up and down on their skin “collecting” them.
  13. My girlfriend and I will every so often just lift our top and say “tits” until the other one looks/acknowledges.
  14. Sometimes when I answer the phone I become Detective Tony Pepperoni, and he’s Cheesy Steve and the Saucy Boys. There’s never really any warning, it just kinda happens and it gets pretty intense.
  15. Listen to his weird tummy sounds. I like to vocalize the really loud ones.
  16. While we’re in the shower he’ll cover his body with soap, wrap his arms around me, and then go up and down fast so he’s rubbing the soap all over me and cleaning me off. We call this “Carl wash” cause it’s like a car wash for me, but my nickname is Carl and he’s washing me off.
  17. Penis drawings. I don’t remember who started it but we hide the same penis drawing for the other one to find. She put it in my suitcase when I went away on a hunting trip with my buddies and I had to explain why I had a crudely drawn wang on a sheet of notebook paper packed with my socks. When I returned I hid it in the bottom of her underwear drawer and it took her a few months to find it. She then hid it somewhere and I haven’t found it yet, that was five years ago. She told me I’ll find it eventually but I’m afraid of where it might be. I have told her that if she dies before me that she is getting buried with it and I win.
  18. We have a 17-year running game of stealthily pinning a clothespin to the other’s clothes. Sometimes, no clothespin for months, and then bam. One in your armpit.
  19. We’ll open our mouths and put our lips together, then sing a pitch and very very slightly raise and lower it together and it creates this weird vibrating dissonance with the notes.
  20. My girlfriend and I touch tummies instead of giving high-fives.
  21. We air-band the ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ theme song every time it comes on (her on guitar, me on drums) as if it would not play if we didn’t air-band. No matter what is happening we drop everything and do it. I’m like, ‘Come on babe, duty calls.’
  22. I tickle my boyfriend until he cries.
  23. Have you ever noticed couples spend a lot of time grooming one another, like monkeys at the zoo? When my boyfriend and I are headed to work, I pick lint out of his beard while he lets me know about any nose danglers. We like to point out whenever the other person has a dandruff situation, too. Another popular question: Have you showered? You should shower.
  24. I pluck his stray ear/eyebrow/nose hairs.
  25. We go to the gym together. He’s basically my personal trainer. He kills me on leg day.
  26. My ex and I both had really sensitive stomachs, so we bonded over our never-ending need to poop. It got so bad that we would make it a habit to text each other about our ‘poop statuses’ every time we had to go to the bathroom. I guess he’s my ex for a reason … right?
  27. When I am drunk I crave tacos so much so that despite shoveling tacos in my mouth, I scream at my boyfriend, demanding he give me more food. To which he has to remind me I am currently eating. This happens every weekend. Every time.
  28. We talk in baby voices to each other. All the time. Like, legit baby talk. It’s so awkward. I wish his friends could see.
  29. I had a friend once who would only talk in third person with the girl he was going out with. Their conversations were like this (names obviously changed): Gary: ‘Does Lucinda want to see a movie tonight or just take it easy at home?’ Lucinda: ‘Lucinda could go either way, depends on what Gary feels like doing.’ Gary: ‘Lucinda and Gary stay at home then!’ It was awful. She also got engaged to some other dude a month after they broke up and is now on her second marriage.
  30. My boyfriend and I often communicate in robot sounds when alone, mostly ‘beeps’ and ‘boops.’
  31. While most couples will talk in baby voices, my boyfriend and I talk in accents about 90 percent of the time we’re alone with each other. Mostly Southern, but sometimes we’ll branch out into Boston accents or British accents too. No matter the accent, I know it’s weird AF.
  32. We inspect each others’ uniforms and make sure each other’s boots are super shiny. LOL, military love. This weekend he got me a little pendant that fits behind my dog tags.
  33. We sing a lot. Both popular songs with the lyrics changed to be about our relationship and just weird tuneless ditties about what we’re doing. We have a fantasy pet pig and have spent hours brainstorming the perfect name for him. (‘Ralph Piggums,’ in the end.) We refer to each other like we’re talking about someone else, like, ‘Did you hear that I love my boyfriend?’ or ‘Did you know I have this really awesome girlfriend?’
  34. On any given occasion, [my SO] and I will burst out into song, but only in the style of Eddie Vedder (regardless of what song it is).
  35. We were friends for years before we even started dating, so we have legiterally (my new word) been farting and pooping in front of each other long before we fell in love and got married. We’ll have epic fart wars in bed and while I scream at him because his farts are lethal, he whispers in my ear, ‘Shhh, let it happen’ as I retort with an even louder fart. All the while, the dog’s face is priceless.

Please, join the freak party in the comments. What weird things do you and your SF do that would make anyone else think you’re lunatics?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *